Grendel and Ewoks
by Saint Jesse
Summary: The amazing story of a Jedi on a mission to save a small village of Ewoks from the terror of the monster Grendel.
1. Off To Costa Rica

In Mr. Bennett's office, Ebed Melech sits. He dozes until he is almost toppling over when he realizes that Mr. Bennett was **still** talking, trying to teach him how to use AutoCAD. Just as his wits come back to him, he hears "Now go and try to do this on your computer." So he heads down the stairs to give another attempt at drawing some abstract figure that seems to come out of some really bad science fiction show.

Smack! Ebed tripped over his Jedi robe (as he usually does) and lands right on his face. Louie walks by and so does Nick, but Ebed just lies there, waiting for his will to walk to return to him.

He thinks he's crazy when a sound of ringing starts to come from the pocket of his robe. That is until he realizes it is his handy dandy holographic communicator. Pulling out of his robe, a figure appears on the platform and begins to speak.

"Ebed Melech, the council has a new mission for you."

"Obi-Juan, I'm a little busy being bored out of my mind at the moment. Can it wait?"

"No, I'm afraid not. This is a matter of dire importance."

"Okay, what do ya got?"

"In Costa-Rica there's a village of Ewoks that recently have had repeated attacks from some creature called Grendel. The council is sending you to take care of the situation. The Ewoks are of great importance to us because they always vote with us to have comfier chairs. If we do not support them, Mrs. Forseman may never get us new desks."

"Understood, Obi-Juan. I'll leave immediately. Ebed out."

"Oh and by the way, why are you lying on the ground like a Wookie with the revenge anyway?"

"Long story. Ok, its not that long. But I still don't want to talk about it. I'll leave as soon as possible."

So Ebed, being the procrastinator that he is, takes no less than five minute to pick himself up. By that time school had ended, and out of excuses, he hopped in his (well it was really his mom's but he used it all the time) X-Wing fighter with SS FOAMY NECKED FLOATER written on the side and sped off to Costa Rica.

Not so fluent in Spanish (or in Ewok) as he would like, Ebed practiced both with his R-4 unit all the way to the Guatemalan border. He would have gone farther but his R-4 started smoking from frustration and had a little red light flashing so he figured he needed to rest his awesome Spanish accent for a while.

So, for the next hour or so he listened to the sound track from LOTR The Return of the King. But when the airport he was heading for finally came into view, he turned it off to give it his full attention (even though R-4 was piloting for the most part).

Then one of those thoughts that don't really come from another thought popped into his head. He switched off R-4 and began to steer himself. The Costa Ricans thought he was insane because he kept doing barrel roles with himself like in Pearl Harbor. That was the only trick he knew.

Spotting a vending machine on the run way, Ebed landed peacefully and ran over to it. It turned out there was no valet parking for X-Wings, so he steered it to the hanger and paid some little kid to guard it for him. (Its like you buy lemonade from a lemonade stand just to make the little kid feel good, except this entailed giving the child control of a spacecraft.)

Anyway, he passed through customs with no problems (mind tricks make pass ports obsolete) and embarked on his trek through the forest to find the Ewoks and rescue them from Grendel.


	2. A New Arrival

So how does somebody go about looking for a small tribe of Ewoks (is there any other kind?) in the middle of the Costa Rican rain forest anyway? Its not quite as simple as Ebed's last mission to end a domestic case between two tribes of Wookies. They might try to rip your arms out of their sockets, but hey, at least they're easy to find.

What better place is there to start a search than in the local pub, eh? So Ebed asked the nearest local for directions to a pub or restaurant. Now, speaking Wookie was easy, listening to some little midget Costa Rican who's talking at about ten million kilometers an hour, that's hard. After picking up about ten words, Ebed gave up and thought it best just to wander around until he found what he was looking for.

Unbeknownst to him, but knownst to us, a dark shadowed figure lurked in the corner like a snake hiding in a teapot.

In his customary style, Ebed managed to wander everywhere but where he intended to go before calling R-4 for directions. Instantly in the hanger R-4 beeped in response scaring the living day lights out of that little Costa Rica boy. That was alright, he wasn't a very good guard anyway.

Now, one thing you should know is that Ebed almost got lost in Michigan once because he thought the county line on the map was a road that went exactly where he wanted to go. I mean it was the straightest road on the map and it went directly from point A to point B. Imagine his disappointment when he realized that hours of driving was heading towards a line that didn't really exist!

Anyway, he managed to find a restaurant where all of the people gathered. It was known as La Restaurante de Scotty. Ever on guard with his trusty light saber, he entered. There seemed to be no place to sit so Ebed came up with a plan, a Gilbert and Sullivan sort of plan, really.

At the top of his lungs in his fantastic bass of a voice, he began to sing. "A BRITISH TAR IS A SOARING SOUL, AS FREE AS A MOUNTAIN BIRD. HIS ENERGETIC FIST SHOULD BE READY TO RESIST A DICTATORIAL WORD."

By the end of the second chorus, what a surprise, plenty of seats had opened up. Always being one to seize every opportunity, Ebed rushed to a seat. Thinking he had come to play a game of extreme musical chairs, he hit it so hard the back legs broke sending him rolling through two tables on the other side.

Lying on his back, laughing until he started to snort, the shadowed figure approached. With the hood of his robe over shadowing his eyes, a high pitched but very serious sounding voice was heard. "Why did you do that? Worse than anything your friends could have said! You have put your foot in it! Or should I say your finger?"

"What the Valhalla you talkin' 'bout?" Ebed said as he chuckled. (He would have responded better if he'd noticed how ominous looking this person was, but that's really hard when you're laughing so much you have to close your eyes so that they don't leave their sockets.)

Suddenly the voice relaxed, the hood was thrown back and the once gloomisome outline of a man gave way to the face of none other than Orin! Laughing quite vigorously himself, he managed to say "Oh man Ebed, you just smashed three tables! What're you doing in Costa Rica anyway?"

"I was just about to ask you the same thing. Weren't you and Jack busy on some moon?"

"Nah, we finished that. Terelians are easier to deal with than you might think. I dunno. Jack and Max were off on another of their adventures and I just said to myself 'Self, you should go fly something.' So I got into your X-Wing and started pressing buttons. Then I saw you coming and crawled into the back, trying to hide or whatever. I would've jumped out and scared you, but I fell asleep, and here I am."

"Then how'd you get past my guard I put in front of the ship?"

"You mean that little Costa Rican kid? I just cut a hole in the back of the hanger and snuck out."

Confused in a sort of happy way, Ebed just laughed some more, set up the chairs he had plowed down and ordered some milk (in a dirty glass).

After a while things got a little more serious. After all, there was a job to do. So Ebed explained his mission to Orin.

"I've always wanted to fight a Grendel!" Orin exclaimed. "What's a Grendel again?"

"I'm not sure, but we'll just get rid of it, whatever it is." Ebed concluded.

Always being the voice of reason (his own kind of reason at least) Orin told Ebed about the Inn just down the road and convinced him to spend the night there and head out for the Ewoks tomorrow. So they headed to the Prancing Pony and went quickly to sleep.


	3. Almost Headed Out

At four thirty in the morning (Costa Rican time), everyone in the Prancing Pony is usually asleep. And why shouldn't they be? It is before dawn. However, knowing himself, whenever Ebed has an important task, he always wakes up no later than five thirty. It can be quite earlier if he must spend an hour waking someone else up as well.

Orin, on the other hand, has never found any good point in being awake at all unless you can bug Mrs. White or go skiing. Hence, four thirty became the time of waking and five o seven the time of departure. Not a second later or Ebed might freak out and start pacing until the floor wore through to the room below (as if there weren't enough time in a day).

"Orin! Orin, Orin, Orin! Wake up! The lemonade's been stolen and Mrs. Forseman is coming after you with the dissection kit! Run!"

Having a bad reaction to most dissections, Orin rolled out of bed and ran as fast as he could. Everyone watched the downright sprint that led him out the door, through the hall, down the railing and to the gentlemen's restroom on the first floor. There he crouched behind the sink, hand on light saber. If only you could see the face of the Mexican man blowing his nose with the paper towels. He was the epitome of befuddlement.

Rolling on the ground until he was soaked with the tears of his own laughter, Ebed could not even get up, no less leave the room, just from the humor of it all. Quite embarrassed, Orin walked up the stairs and went back to the room wishing everyone a happy Leif Erickson Day on the way with a kind of sheepish tone and a downright crimson face.

"Ok, ok, I'm awake. Can we go now?" Orin complained to the barely recovered and still giggling Jedi on the bed next to his.

"Very nice Don Quixote. Very nice. Grab a towel and a muffin and let's be off, then." Ebed replied, beginning to calm.

"A towel, what for?" Orin inquired.

"I'm not sure. Just in case there happen to be ROUSs that need one, I guess."

"Rodents of unusual size, I don't believe they exist." Orin stated with much gumption.

"Well, somebody will need a towel. Just bring it, ok! Gosh, you ask to many questions. It makes me feel stupid."

So with two towels and two muffins in hand, they left the room (looking as if it had become a nuclear test site) and headed for the pub to once again search for answers.

Upon arriving there, Ebed quickly noticed that someone had bolted every table to the ground and posted a new sign that said something about no singing, especially British songs that most people do not like in the least. That was prompt all right.

With a cloak covering his eyes, a man sat alone smoking a pipe in the corner. Thinking that such a man would know where the Ewok village may be, our two heroes approached him.

"So, I'm Don Quixote and this is Juan Valdez," Orin proudly stated. "Have you found, in your travels, and Ewok village? Its probably no more than fifty kilometers from here."

"I'm Strider and I don't conduct business with liars," the stranger quickly replied. "However, if you'd care to tell me who you really are and why you wish to find these Ewoks, I will bring you to them. I am headed in their direction already."

"You must excuse my associate," Ebed intruded. "He forgets his manners from time to time, just like the rest of us. My name is Ebed-Melech and his is Orin. By your clothing and accent I'd judge you to be a ranger. Is this not so?"

"It is so that I'm a ranger, but you still have not told me the nature of your quest."

"We have gotten word that the Ewoks are in distress from a terrible monster and we have been sent to free them," Ebed continued in a quite phony Australian accent. "Actually, I was sent to free them. Orin fell asleep in my X-Wing."

"Your what," Strider intrigued? "Never mind, I will take you as far as one kilometer from the village because, as I said, that is the way that I head as well. I have some business to take care of first. Meet me at the south edge of town at six o'clock."

Strider then slowly got up and left, but not before paying his bill with a mighty handsome tip.

"See, I told you we didn't have to wake up so early!" Orin exclaimed. "I'm going to bed now; I'll see you when we actually have to go. Gosh!"

"Just make sure you make it to the south side of town in time. I don't think Strider is the kind of person who likes to wait. Best to be prompt. In the mean time, I'll go practice my awesome Pakistani accent on the natives. Wait bad idea. I'll do Russian, that's more fun anyway."

So our heroes went their separate ways, drawing attention everywhere they went. Its hard not to when you're walking around and acting like an exuberant Russian with a really bad accent or sleeping at a desk in a furniture store. (The desk made Orin feel more like it was really time to sleep.)


	4. Russian Mafia Droids

Guatemalan mariachi bands are some of the most eccentric people you're likely to meet. At seventeen thirty hours, Ebed was finding his way to the south side of town after a day of fantastic impersonations and splendid new people. Looking for Orin, Ebed's ear was caught by the sound of Latino music coming from around the corner. Sure enough, there were the local mariachis, trumpet, guitars and all. It took Ebed a moment of dancing like a hick to realize, Orin was on the guitar! Being the awesome guitarist that he is, Orin managed to use his Jedi mind tricks to get himself into a mariachi band! Going insane on the strings of someone else's guitar, he couldn't have been having more fun. (He couldn't have been making more money either. He got soooooo many tips from the locals. That's that hat he's always wearing is for.)

Ebed listened and danced with the locals (who realized he could dance as well as an elephant) for who knows how long. Then, as is his custom, Ebed tripped over something stupid like a pebble or something like that and landing smack into the dirt street. His awesome, eleven dollar, Wal-Mart pocket watch fell out onto the road. As he picked it up, he noticed, it was five to six! They were supposed to be all the way on the south side of town in five minutes!

"ORIN!" Ebed shouted as he seized his madly skilled partner by the arm. "Orin, we have to book it to the south side of the city in three minutes or we won't find the ever elusive Ewoks!"

Without hesitation Ebed threw the guitar to it owner (grabbed the hat full of tips, of course), threw Orin over his shoulders like a deer and ran with all his might until they reached the edge of the city.

"Are you sure this is the south side?" Orin asked.

"Of course I'm sure. I have my Taco Bell watch from the X-Games two years ago that has a compass on it. This is the place." Ebed replied.

Seemingly out of no where, our dynamic duo heard a very soft "Psssst". Looking around (and using their super awesome force senses) they saw Strider hiding behind a bush just outside the city waiting for them, about twenty feet away.

"Hey Strider, what are you doing in the bushes, buddy!" Orin and Ebed both exclaimed in a very loud voice.

"Shhhhh. Are you trying to get me killed?!" Strider whispered. "Just come with me and be quiet about it!"

Trying to as close to silent as they could, Ebed and Orin crept slowly on their tip toes holding up their Jedi robes like a lady from the 1700's. Just before they got to Strider, five ginormous battle droids surrounded them! And these were no ordinary droids! These were the droids left over from the Clone Wars that had been stolen and reprogrammed by the Russian mafia! (You can tell by the smiley face they have printed on their heads as a mark of ownership to the mafia.)

Blasters ready and guard shields up, the head droid said (in his computery type voice) "What do you know about Strider?"

"Nothing," Orin replied. "We just know that he wears a really awesome cloak that just rocks my sox off. That's it."

"Why were you calling to him? Where is he?" the droid repeated.

"And what concern is of he to you?" Ebed inquired. "Certainly he hasn't done anything truly worthy of capture. Tell why you're after him and we'll think about telling you where he is." (All the while Strider watched in the bushes, ready to flee at any moment.)

"That's none of your concern. All you need to know is that this Strider is an enemy of the Russian mafia and that we will find him at any cost." As the head droid said this, the smaller floating ball droid next to him whispered in his ear, or next to his head, you know what I'm talking about. Gosh! Apparently, these droids knew about the little incident of Ebed's mission last year to infiltrate the Russian mafia in Ukraine. Long story short, someone blew Ebed's cover and he ended up just chopping the whole ring into sushi right there in some alley way. They never really got over it. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah.

"Are you Ebed-Melech?" the droid questioned.

"I am. Are you a three fingered sloth from the jungles of Colombia?" Ebed replied.

Slightly puzzled by the comment, the droid waited for a moment before saying "Your under arrest. Get on the ground. Both of you."

Knowing full well that "three fingered sloth from the jungles of Colombia" was code for "We're just going to slice all these silly little droids into next week, k?", Orin and Ebed jumped into action. Ebed took the left with a triple notoban, spin hook, gravity defying, droid slicing bound while Orin slaughtered the right with his mad quadruple back flip/720 back kick/droid stabbing endeavor. In a moment, everything mechanical was sizzling, shooting off sparks or sticking out of the ground like a fence post.

Slowly, and with much caution, Strider came out from behind the bushes and walked over to Ebed and Orin.

"You two can do that but can't find your way to the Ewok village?" he asked. "I thought you were doomed."

"No," Ebed responded, "we've dealt with the mafia before, we'll do it again. What'd you do to get them so upset anyway?"

"Well," Strider hesitated "I managed to steal about twenty thousand dollars worth of food and give it to the poor townspeople here. They didn't take kindly to it."

"Ahhhh, well that's ok. Ready to go?"

"I suppose. We're going to travel through the night so that we don't have to cross the one bridge while the trolls are awake. I'm not sure if we have to worry about it anymore, but we might as well start."

And off they went. Strider (still not sure why he had to lead two masterfully skilled Jedi through the jungle) and our two heroes, left on their way to the Ewok village. By this time Tuesday, they'd be killing off Grendel and triumphantly saving the Ewoks.


End file.
